The life you don't chose

 '' I never know, and neither will you, of the life you don't chose.

We'll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours.

It was the ghost ship that didn't carry us.

There's nothing to do but salute from the shore. '' 

Cheryl Strayed

 

I've been away for so long from this little spot of mine here on the wide web. I missed it and at the same time I dreaded the idea to log and write what has been crossing my mind lately. Every given year, after the summer, when a new long year in Finland is in front of me I, more or less, fall in pieces and it takes a while to pick them up and glue them in a human-like shape and face again head up everyday's life. And it's not easy when you don't have family or friends nearby and it's not easy when you homeschool five children and you have a large family of seven people to care for, and you'd just love to have someone caring for you for once. It feels so terribly hard the idea of facing new long months of lonliness, just living a life I never really choosed. Five years ago when we sold everything we had in order to pursue a new way of life I was so full of dreams, so filled with hope, so sure that I was about to give my children the great chance to savour something totally different and incredibly beautiful. Then a sudden U-turn to which I didn't rebelled took me here, in a place where I don't belong, leading a life I feel as worthless and aimless and pointless and i simply can't forgive myself for being so feeble and I can't forget that U-turn. How is it possible to make peace with myself and let that ghost ship go ? Or better, would it be possible to dive into the sea and start swimming full force following the ghost ship hoping that someone might notice me and help me on board ? And how can you swim full force if you have 6 more people to bring with you, five of them which rely on you completely ( and already blame you so much because you let that U-turn happen without rebelling) ? But as every year I will manage to bury all those thoughts deep deep down in that dark place of the soul and I will focus on 'here and now' and on my many blessings and I will try so hard to forget my sister life for a while, pretending I'm living my dream and not someone else's. Please dear reader forgive my ramblings. I tried so hard to find something light to write about but it simply didn't feel honest. This post needed to be written to turn the page of my silence and open a window on the world and look outside for beautiful things to go through the arctic night and long and lonely winter. See you soon sweet souls for something more joyous. Have the nicest week possible dear ones !

p.s. I am and always will be grateful and humbled by the presence of these five wonderful human beings in my life.